How not to apologize to your spouse – By Kate Halim

One man told me recently that men are not supposed to apologise to their wives because they are the heads of homes. I looked at him in pity and shook my head.

I allowed him to continue wallowing in his ignorance because trying to make him see reasons why he should apologise to his wife whenever he offends her will be pointless at that time.

Also, I didn’t have the energy to argue with someone with a closed mind regarding relationships since he feels superior to his wife not to apologise for hurting her. I told him to make sure his wife is still with him spirit, soul and body because she might have checked out of their marriage because of his unyielding attitude.

Unfortunately there are many men like this man who believe that it is a woman’s duty to apologise for their wrongs just to keep the peace. This is so wrong. It is the duty of both partners in a marriage to apologise when they wrong the other person.

You don’t start claiming that because you are a man, you won’t apologise. You hurt your wife, tear her down with words, insult her being, her family members and call her names, yet you still expect her to apologise because you were raised to believe that women should do anything to keep the peace in their marriage. You need to let go of that mentality before you destroy your marriage.

I have heard some women say that their husbands find it hard to say ‘I am sorry, please forgive me’ when they offend them. Instead, they would say ‘is it because of that little thing that you are still angry?’

Some men buy gifts for their wives without being asked, while others rush to do house chores just to placate the woman but they would never say ‘I am sorry, forgive me.’ Why is it so hard for some married men to say sorry? Does saying sorry make them less than a man? Does it take anything away from their penis size?

Why should women be putting up with men who can’t take responsibilities for their actions and apologise for their wrongs? What kind of marriages do these people have if pains and hurts are being waved aside like that? What happens when the woman can no longer stomach the psychological abuse?

Dear married men, let me tell you guys a secret. An apology is a powerful thing. Apologies are part of relationships and it can bring couples closer than before if done right. It is not enough that you apologise when you hurt your woman, how do you do it? You just don’t apologize just for the sake of it or so your wife doesn’t remind you about it later.

What you don’t know is that failing to apologise can make your offense even worse. Your wife might not say anything but she will grow to resent you because of your attitude. Usually, when you wrong someone, they just want you to acknowledge you hurt them, to feel guilty and remorseful, and to ask forgiveness.

Nobody is perfect. People make mistakes and your spouse should understand that. But when you are not willing to admit that you have messed up by putting your pride before your feelings for your spouse, you will make matters worse. That is how marital resentment builds up for years until it explodes one day.

It is not even apologizing that is the most important thing; it is how and when you apologise that determine whether or not you are forgiven. Take not of some of the wrong ways to apologise to your spouse and change for the better. Your marriage will become more blissful when you apologise rightly.

One of the wrong ways to apologise is pointing out when your spouse did the same thing. Some of the bad things your spouse has done in the past don’t justify you doing the same bad things. It may look like revenge and that is not good for your marriage. That doesn’t remove the pain you cause when you mess up. Own up to your mistakes and say sorry on time.

You also can’t buy the right to do something wrong. It doesn’t matter how many times you have done something good for your spouse, gave them money or taken them for vacations abroad, that doesn’t earn you the right to do something wrong and refuse to apologise to them.

It is annoying that some men blame alcohol for some of their actions. “I was drunk” is not an excuse. You know why? Because, while you may not have had much control over your actions once you were drunk, you did have control over the decision to drink. One way or another, this is your fault and not the alcohol.

You don’t use the excuse of having a bad day to hurt your spouse. If people just started lashing out because of their bad days then the world would be a terrifying place. Part of being a well-adjusted adult and good member of society is containing your pain and struggles to yourself rather than lashing out at others around you especially your spouse. So, quit blaming your bad day for hurting your spouse.

An apology doesn’t mean anything if you say it with attitude. Your spouse will notice it if your words are “I’m sorry” but your tone is “whatever.” The words aren’t enough. Tone is everything. You don’t apologise with a nasty tone, that won’t work.

If you apologise, and then immediately start behaving passively aggressively towards your spouse, then you clearly didn’t mean the apology. And the person wouldn’t have wanted it if they knew it was just going to irritate you into more bad behavior.

Saying ‘sorry you feel that way’ is not an apology. You apologise for your actions and not your spouses’ feelings. Even if your intention wasn’t to hurt them, your words or actions did hurt them, you have to take responsibility for that. They didn’t hurt themselves, you did.

It doesn’t matter if they are sensitive. Telling your hurting spouse that they are so sensitive is just another way of avoiding responsibility. Again, apologising isn’t about being correct. Maybe your spouse is too sensitive but if you love and care about your spouse, then just apologise and don’t call them sensitive.

Don’t try to downplay what you did, many men do this and it annoys the hell out of women. All the talking in the world won’t minimize the pain you caused your spouse. You can’t get someone to rationalize away their feelings. Stop making your offence look like a small deal when it is a big deal to your spouse.

Saying your spouse made you do something that hurt them is emotional abuse. Nobody can make you do anything. You always have the power to control your actions. Even if your spouse irritated you, that doesn’t mean they made you say or do something nasty.

When your spouse is hurting, don’t say, “I will only apologise if you do.” Apologising is about showing you care about someone. You don’t need them to apologise in order to do that. Don’t make your spouse apologise too because you feel superior. That’s wrong.

If you say, “I’m sorry” but then you say, “Okay??” or “Are you happy now?” after saying sorry, it doesn’t count. You should genuinely apologise to your spouse because you know you truly hurt them. Apologising against your will is a wrong way to make amends when you hurt your partner.

Culled from Daily Sun